That Skinny Little Bitch

What do I want? Honestly? I want to lose 10 pounds. I want to maintain a healthy, whole, sustainable diet without succumbing to total gastronomic boredom and I kind of want to do it while not totally destroying the earth or my body in the process. I want to be That Skinny Little Bitch. It's almost a compliment. You know the girl and you SO want to be her. That fabulous girl you see wherever, in an elevator, getting out of a cab, wherever... looking totally radiant, glowing and completely sexy without even trying. I worked with one at Calvin Klein. I can't remember her name, but I can see her face clearly. Her jeans looked perfect on her because she was no pilates slacker, her hair was shiny because she ate that "good fat', you know, the same stuff that keeps your skin looking healthy and clear? Anyway, yeah, I want to be her. I want someone to look at me and whisper to her friend, "Look at that girl! She's flawless and it's not botox, gastro OR lipo.... that skinny little bitch!"

This is what I mean:

"I want to lose 10 pounds"

I am kind of over turning on the Today Show and seeing the lastest "expert" talk about the newest thing in weight loss or optimum health. Even more so the look of complete shock and disbelief when you tell someone that in reality, there is no magic pill or surgical procedure. We all know the answer, we just don't want to do it because it's boring and we're lazy. There is nothing divinely delicious about tofu and brown rice, I'm sorry. I really wish there were... I really wish it tasted like my grandmothers mac and cheese, but it doesn't. I really wish I were the kind of girl that could go totally macrobiotic and start meditating and all that, but I'm just not. I know because I tried. I fell off with a bacon, egg and cheese after a night when Suede (now defunct NYC nightclub) was still cool. I am the girl who likes the butter. I am all about a properly indulgent gastronomic experience complete with barrels and barrels of wine. You may have noticed that I have used that word twice. Gastronomic. Now three times. I want you to know that I am serious. That food, wine, and culture are all very important to the culinary experience. It's no joshing matter. There is no reason we have to commit to boring diets and odd consumption methods in order to keep trim, so I am determined to bridge Julia Child with the infamous Diet Doctor of Manhattan, whom I'll call The Godfather, because, well.... he's that scary.

"I want to maintain a healthy, whole, and sustainable diet without succumbing to total gastronomic boredom"

The Godfather. If you are privileged enough to be able to book an appointment, I can be pretty confident that when I see you six weeks later, you'll have dropped a cool 15 to 20. A combination of consistency, ratio (perhaps a few pills) and sheer fear (disappointed Dons are never fun) and voila! Manhattan chic! The first time I came across "The Rules" (a little diet booklet of do's and don't's), I thought, well shoot, I don't need to go to a doctor to follow these strict rules. If I follow these do's and don't's for a week, I'll drop the weight anyway, it's so matter of fact! Strict it was, and it soon became crystal clear that I would need additional assistance in following "The Rules" as I was quickly becoming BFF with Chico, the pizza delivery guy from La Pizzeria. We were having a nightly affair.

I made my appointment with The Godfather on the heels of my new hobby, gourmet cooking. French Creole cooking to be specific, thus I was quite liberal with the cream and butter. I was convinced that it was going off the pill that had forced me to buy a size 28 Citizens, but deep down, I knew better. It was the Creoles. So when I reviewed "The Rules" with Don Roberto, I realized that half the groceries I had bought the night before would go to waste.

So I started to play. Play with the ingredients I was permitted. It became a game and I was convinced that I could maneuver these rules to my liking and forever omit the lunch of cottage cheese, whole wheat toast and tomatoes.

I came up with some good recipes and managed to drop a cool 17 pounds in the six weeks following. Not bad. Until that one night when I found myself back at Suede with a bacon, egg and cheese and Gatorade in hand the next morning....

"I want to do it all while not totally destroying the earth or my body in the process"

OK, I know I said earlier that I wasn't the macrobiotic type, but to be quite honest, some of the theories and practices totally make sense. I read the books, most of them by Kushi, and threw myself in, headfirst, into this glorious world of optimum health and glowing skin. The respect for what is put into the body and the reasons why is undeniably understandable. However, I can only take so much seaweed in my diet. Plus, I'm a bit of a meat eater and I like it. Look, we have 7 carnivorous teeth in our skulls, so clearly we are equipped to ravage the meat.

I'd like to support local farmers instead of corporate conglomerates and try to eat what's in season. I'd like to eat whole vegetables and fruits, never taking from them what I want and discarding the rest. I'd like to only ingest ingredients that my body can process (it knows what butter is... it has no idea about Country Crock, so I'll pass, thank you). I want to start eating well and eating green whilst treating my body like the shrine it is and all that good shizz...

With perhaps a little Gratin Dauphinois and Chatenauf du Pape every once in a while...

So. I invite you to get back on the wagon with me. Play along if you like. Trot alongside as I try to balance Aveline Kushi and Paula Deen. While I live by my "modified rules", the ones that keep you slim and your tastebuds in good spirits.